tick tock
the clock wont stop.

im nervous.
and my family makes me crazy.

blue and dark blue

I dont want to play safe any longer.
The clothes I wear, the colors I choose, the actions I take.
Lately I find myself leaning more towards what I like,
rather than what I find comfort in.
its the vague indecisiveness that leads me to believe I am untested,
untouched.
These circumstances have tested my patience,
and every decision I make seem to just work as a cliche metaphore as ...my life as it is now.

but with you,
well..
you are the life i am looking forward to.
everyday I become whatever my heart desires.
I'm confident with you,
relaxed and complacent.

...

hope you saved that receipt for your tiara!

when i write things to you, it feels so very official and i feel I definitely need to follow up...which i dont do very often unless its something i feel very strongly about.

So a few things-

a. ummm
b. uhhh....yea
c. no, seriously this time..

..
I cant do it!
I only share things like this with two people...sometimes three...
annnnd im too exhausted to write like this..

im not used to this

annnnd
with that said.

im going to bed and im going to have a very very good weekend.
goo'bye

55.10

hello.

its me.

i wanted you to know a couple things before i fall asleep.
the optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole.


haha
im joking, thats not what i wanted to tell you.
thats the daily quote of the day next to the computer on a little stand.

anyway,
back to seriousness,

what i wanted to tell you was that,

im in love
and i dont know how to explain how i feel,
its just something unexplainable..
something too beautiful..
i would ruin it by putting it into words.
i dont think the english language is capable of such a strong strong feeling to describe, to define..


but i think for the first time in my life,
ive let myself go..

and im in too deep to go back now.
and i love every feeling coming from it.



and i think
i thinkk think think...


i think...







hm
ill tell you what i think tomorrow.



sweet dreams.
xo

blahblahblah

fun-duh-men-tall

The real importance:
the fundamentals with which you have to live.
with which you WANT to live.
For several days this week I drowned myself in weak thoughts.
but I guess we all need a little down time..
I had my down time. hated every single minute of it.
I mean maybe too much of everything is as bad as too little.
I'm back.
Times are always getting better.
I have/had nothing to complain about.

goal:
be kind to yourself.
goal 2:
listen to yourself.
goal 3:
run away to you.
goal 4:
okay i can't run away to you..
but I would like to.
goal 5:
accomplish goals, THEN, find myself next to you.

This looks promising.

DEFINE BEST FRIEND!

mo'money// mo problemz

truth is not determined by the volume of the voice-
im working on it./


dear me,

idiot!
whatre you day dreaming so much about-
lost in thought!
smitten,
completely smitten!!!
honeymoon stage!? but how????
magical moments again!\
floatinggggggg
the desire of being swept away/
lucky I have such detailed imagination.
tonight is strange,
I feel like its my first night.
it happens, and you rush home and you're too excited to eat
sleep,
think.

unexplainable smiles, happy//


um.
what?

love always,

me.

walking away.

i am lost.
you're the maze
i was given no map./
no one gives you a warning-
no class to take
no books-
fall at your own risk.
it's not the constant claustrophobia.
a distraction in my dream.
a ----- of time
of breath
of tears
of love
the constant tightening
----- falls.
drops.
heavy
consistency is the key.
under certain circumstances.
sorry, i was not informed.
to--
night.
"Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than action."
talk a little louder, yell if you have to, I can't hear through such thick walls that they have spent so much time building.
another night
sleepless?
tomorrow will be the blur
the consequence i will receive because for some reason,
because I care immensely.
and i cared,

again.
and again.
and again.
i hate feelings sometimes
I love you

keyholders. one for you. one for me.

i cant wait to move in with my favorite person in the whole world
just so i can take care of him and he can take care of me.
and i could sing jonas brothers and top 40 songs allll the time to him.
and we would watch the disney channel together
and scary movies
and paint walls
and go grocery shopping together
and fall in love over and over again
and live happily ever after.



I WANT IT ALL.

AND I WILL GET IT.

confidential information:

M is tense.
on our way to pick up H,
I let M pour out everything thats on her mind.
M cried.
I couldn't.
I think she felt better after she did.
she does this every now and then..you can't blame her.
I said everything i could,
no lies.
sincere.
she has been the backbone to not only us, but to them.
M, you can always count on me.
I told her,
"he says, mental health is first M,"
and she agreed.
i told her,
"we're living these days, that we will never get back"
i told her,
"time is the best medicine,
along with really great people supporting you and
maybe some chocolate"
then M says,
"I used to worry about you so much,
but you're such a good kid.
and you're growing more responsible,
and independent everyday.
i've raised you well"

I replied with,
"dont be so full of yourself M"
with a laugh-


what I really meant to do was thank her and tell her I love her,
that everything she has done for me has made me who I am,

...

but during the minute of silence that followed,
no music playing,
no cars passing,
it just felt right not the say anything at all,

because
I knew,
that she knew,

what I was thinking.







2008.7.10

i forgot to turn the light on

I fell into deep sleep.
I've just awoken
but i was left with a dream
a realization(?)
more so an epiphany(!)

As real as it could have been, I don't believe it.
but everything I felt, I saw, I heard, I read.
They were true.

It can be so faint, so insignificant
but cause such a tremendous wave.
but even the most devastating storm
could not destroy/

i've found faith within
today i've reached new levels of love.
not just one, but two!

don't worry
every tear was worth its fall.
to feel is a great thing.
i wouldn't take it back for the world.
if only I could perfect my painting, as i do with you.

still dreaming-


I walked forward
i turned around to look at you
but you were already ahead.

i told you I never felt this way before.
you believed me.
I told you, you were not a part of my plans.
you told me you knew.
I told you i couldn't breath
you held my hand.

Nobody believed us.
You want it all.
Im trying.

there is no trying.
you either do it or you dont.//

so i did it.



im doing it.


I shower you with secrets
under the covers
in rooms.
b you dont mind it.
i never hated you b.
i swear.
heavy heart.
heavy heavy hearts
but nothing is different.

listen!
in my natural state, there is peace of mind.
you by my side.
hearts intertwined.

when a natural state is caused to become an unnatural state...
it is not long until it reverts back into its natural state.

what goes up
must come down.

following?


M brought up the worst,
asked if I was interested.
she was laying it out in front of me,
one by one
they stung.

M was being real.
thanks M.

but she didnt understand.
not like how you understand.
no one really does, anymore.

M, i know you care,
but really, I'm fine.
this is my "natural" state
everything else just reverts back.
I'm tied.



and then.....

i lost my mind.



dream ends.
the realization.
the epiphany?
what was it?

well,






i think you know.

d re am?

every cloud has a silver lining,

and in the midst of it all,
that silver lining was





..you


and it was you and I
watching as the clouds parted and the sky cleared.
just us.
and the sky.
and nothing else would matter.
for the rest of our lives.

royal straight

Dearly Beloved,

three essentials needed.
-a blindfold.
-earplugs. (preferably head phones)
-a shiny new set of clean offensive remarks.

in other news,
hello hearsay, i've lost interest in the deets!
come back when I cut a figure, make a splash.


sweet dreams
xoxo




PS
iluttmab (look it up)

self.

I have persistence
do i have self control?


self control.









can't a girl have a role model?

There is one thing i would change about my everyday habits.
and if i could just press delete and make it all go away I wouldnt be sitting here blogging right now.

mmmm
tonight i will delete.
tomorrow i will awake and never think of it again.
tomorrow sounds promising.



and thats all.




P.S.
"You have an amazing way of making me laugh and a beautiful way of making me cry"

confidential confidence.

I'm pulling an NR and getting rid of the bad, the negative and the ugly! (focal point on ugly and negative..because sometimes bad is good)

bad is really good.

hard work pays offfffff f f f f

list:
One day I want to create lay outs and editorials for glossy, fashion forward, nation wide magazines.
Take mom to Thailand.
paint walls with you!
aren't we feeling exceptionally positive this afternoon?

PS
I admire your passion, rb.

Better lock it down,

the clock is ticking.

"easy" does not seem to be on the menu today, or yesterday,
but maybe tomorrow.

I want perfection.

whats perfection?

well..

think a and m
(for example)
now with this level of perfection, It needs to be acknowledged.
carved into stone.
trees.
whatever.

wished for on birthdays and stars
and diaries.


"You don't grant birthday wishes, do you?"

but I want to seal the deal!!!

feeling mischievous yet?



this week is crucial
and i love the pressure.

im afraid this static will cut off that one single line.
it makes me sad.

curves.

the small of your back.

float

persistence between the distance, without your resistance.
"Floating in small secluded thoughts.
Your charm.
Your melody.
My jealousy is where I lose my self.
I'll find a way out.
Many the miles, through the phone lines.
Lose but only to feel light."

The butterflies I feel
The dreams I have dreamt
The magic that wraps around each word,
Cannot even compare.

"I'll hold on to what I feel instead of what you hear."

"Our affair will be the love affair
On cloud nine."


-don't cry for someone who will never cry for you

Because I love you.
Until then.

Pretty little things

it only took a second to realize that in my world I'm not alone,
It's me, myself & you.


overcome this fear to fly.


-find a new hobby
-learn to appreciate
-1 cup of coffee a day (not four)
-beauty sleep

day 1

I'm only here because I want to prove myself wrong.
for once.